Jesse

so i stuck with it, only had one slip of eating cereal late night-but i am doing great with the walking and eating choices overall. Took my daughter yesterday, she was 20 months yesterday, in stroller for my 7 mile walk. She was excited to see a ‘doggie’ at the halfway resting point where I sit for 20-30 minutes. She just sat and watched and pointed and talked for the walk/stroller ride so was fine. Also picked her flowers along the way and she was ’singing’ along with me, so cute.

Finally ‘finished’ the miscarraige passing of things I think….wont get into gross details of course bleh but “it” happened then I was cramping more like a period only and i think maybe that has started-i skipped the blood test last week so when go this thursday will know-well i will get the result on monday. not sure how it took so long to go from over 14,000 to 1,000 and then within a week it dropped to zero or under 2 whatever it needed for menstration to start? but who knows. Least i believed my body would do what it needed to do on its own, even though they really push you to get the d&c procedure done. As in mention it every time ya see the doctor.

Going to have another stellar week! Oh and i took someone elses idea from their blog here to put stickers on calendar for my good days. Had to dig out new calendar as i had wrote weeks pregnant on mine to my EDD already and no way wanted look at that everyday….but yes things are looking up AND found out someone very special is coming on june 6th until june 24th to visit me from overseas so i am on countdown for that, and quite giddy in fact

So does anyone else have any new ideas or new motivators they are using, whether to get restarted, or jus tto keep things new? I find doing a new approach every so often helps me lots to not get bored or into same rut. Please share with me!! 

i walked 7 miles again on mon and tuesday, and stayed under my allotted calories both days. Today is my “off” day for walking which is good bcuz after doing not much then walking 21 miles in 3 days in this hot weather, i am quite sore and achy which was to be expected. also 90% sure i broke my lil toe on my left foot(again). But didnt use it for excuse nope cuz know docs dont do much for the lil one so i just taped it up so it didnt get any pressure from walking, and went about my walking yesterday, was quite proud of myself.

Last night i made flower cookies for my lil one, which is sugar cookie dough i add food coloring to, and then thumbpring in middle to use pastry bag with lemon filling, same as use for lemon meringue pie. Also made hubby a homemade lemon cheesecake and i did awesome, only took one bite of each

Today i am going to dave & busters for lunch with a friend, already looked up calories what i can have, and then play games all afternoon. I looooove arcades so think will be a great day! Weighed myself this morning and happy to see its coming off as expected, as we all know the first week or two, esp after binging(for those who do that like me) that it comes off pretty fast in higher numbers.

Had fun playing with my daughter yesterday even though i was so sore i think i looked like a cripple walking thru the store esp when bending all over in the produde area *laughs*  oh well, i am feeling healthier already though and finally had good night sleep last night Without sleeping pills….still was only about 5 hrs, but i slept thru without waking and tossing around with racing thoughts, so its progress

Gonna try to update here more, and use it for accountability…..ooh almost forgot, my nephew asked me if when they come down here for the month if we are going to water parks i said of course….then he said will you ride on some of the ones for multiple people? i was like honey im too big for that he says noooo you arent aunt jesse….so i thought about it and ya know it isnt that i look fat in bathing suit cuz hell im fat, so i look fat in everything. In fact i have said this to my stepmother many times because she is about 230-240 and she will be sweating like crazy and yet wont go swimming because she says ‘i look fat in swimsuit’ i said you dont look any fatter in that that anything else, draping yourself in more fabric does NOT make you look smaller mom. Anyways so i realized for me its more about being embaressed if i am told i am too big to use the slides or what not, but ya know what my nephews really want me to join them, they are here to see me, spend time with me, have fun with me, and i used to looove going to water parks. So im gonna do it. If they say i cant use it? then ok, then i know. I wont die of shame. I already have put the idea in my head, so it will be like oh ok. But maybe i will simply go up and have a great time, and surely no bystander opinions matters one bit to me, heck i dont even know ‘em so who cares *smiles*

Have a great hump day everyone!

so far i have doen great today…i read over what i wrote other day and also wrote down some postive things to focus on..and i just walked 3.5 miles to a plaza, sat and drank some water, rested for 30 minutes then walked back, so 7 miles. Had healthy breakfast before i left, and gonna bake some tilapia in a few minutes for mine & lil one lunch…..gonna go swimming this afternoon havent been since before miscarraige as doctor said not to swim or use hot nor even take a bath but my pool is just taunting me toooo much on these nice days, its 88 right now.

Heres to getting back in gear so i can be proud of myself and get off all i gained in past 10 days from binging

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

so i did ok until shock wore off, then been truly screwing up the past week or so, including binging, self destructive behavoirs, self harming, feel like im going crazy sometimes…finally sat down tonight and wrote everything im feeling out…lots of pen to paper. decided to put this here as well , for accountability to myself that i CAN slowly make better choices and get out of this.

The weather has been nice again, hitting 90, and i spent some time gardening today. after cleaned up was rocking my daughter and had silent tears at my thoughts, she looked up with her thumb still in mouth and wiped them away and kissed me then cuddled back in close….non verbally helping to heal my heart.

been having go to doctor every week for blood tests-lovely to sit there with pregnant women waiting to be called abck and see pics of babies everywhere and posters to have your childs heartbeat recorded FFS….i decided when they call monday im gonna just skip next weeks appt, it is taking forever for levels go down anyways and i see no reason to go so much as it just depresses me every week.

so its been a week since the m/c and physically im better, emotionally not so much but improving yes…yesterday i wanted to eat crap but i snapped out of it, saying is no good for me, nor my next pregnancy, for me to gain weight from this and will just make me more depressed….so i did well eating, even went for a walk although not too far as i still feel very depleted. this morning i stayed busy cleaning and was proud of myself for not eating any of the apple pie i made yesterday for hubby & daughter-she had fun helping me make the crust too funny :)   I decided today i will begin logging my intake again, at least for a couple weeks as i find it gets me back on track to do so and realize what im eating, but mostly just to be accountable to myself so i make better choices. Oddly all the sugar i binged on didnt add but a couple pounds which i am in shock about as i surely thought to see at least 10 lb gain from everything i ate for a few days.

also wanted to say thank you to those who commented on ym last blog and understand my pain-although isnt about weight loss, it surely can effect it, but mostly just felt like i had to get it out somewhere, and although i had read forums on pregnancy loss sites i dont wish to join or take part because i think some things are best to move on from and not dwell….i did however order myself a book about dealing with the emotions, and it should be here tomorrow.

on a happy note my flowers are blooming, my roses smell wonderful, and the sunshine and a finally clean house are making me feel calmer

Have a great week everyone!

sat night into sunday morning i went into labor, miscarried my twins at 11 weeks….im coming out of the shock phase now i guess….in between wanting to binge on sugar and yet feel is no reason to eat since my babies are gone. I never imagined the end result wouldnt be a healthy birth…yes i know the data, but like everyone one didnt think it would be me. Now im cofused, feel ill, and so depleted…today i tended to things around here a bit although think i overdid it because now am cramping quite severe again….just wanted to wake up and this be a bad dream *sighs*  follow up at doctor they warned me to wait 3 cycles before we try again. i am torn between never wanting to try because i cant deal with this pain, and wanting to be pregnant right away and just recover from this emoitonally….the few ppl who knew and thus i told about the bad news, all said same thing ‘oh well you can just try again’….i wont be talking to anyone for quite awhile because this has irked me to no end , although yes i know they were trying to be supportive and waht can anyoen really say when this happens?

writing this for myself to remind myself IF i do try again, which i am pretty sure i will once i feel better, that i will be afraid to bond again, although it will be there regardless, that feeling of hope and love that comes as soon as you know you are pregnant…..and my future children will deserve that just as much as my twins did, and my daughter who is already here with us

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
Maryland–grew up on Delmarva Penn, mostly MD and DE

DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS & IF SO HOW MANY?
1 girl, 18 months, and pregnant with #2

WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION?
did preschool,worked with kids with autism, but retired now per hubby request (also drove OTR for 2 yrs cuz it was FUN)

ARE YOU MARRIED & IF SO HOW LONG?
Yes, since 2008

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?
italian or chinese, and LOVE shrimp

DO YOU HAVE ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS?
Had 4 brothers, 1 older the other 3 younger, my closest younger one passed away oct 2009

WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE VACATION SPOT?
Of the places I have been, Amsterdam was my favorite(although the Louvre Museum in Paris was best I been to)

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
City of Angels, and Home Alone(first one, funny every time)

PICK JUST ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF:
Impulsive

HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Hm to be honest or go with what he tells his sister lol  we met online, on a alternative lifestyle site, and after a year of me ‘ignoring him’ as he says, we started meeting up for dates

WHEN/WHERE WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU HAD A COMPLETE BREAKDOWN?
Not too long ago, in my room and bathroom

YOUR FRIEND JUST MOONED YOU. ARE YOU GROSSED OUT?
Nope I will moon with the other side

WHERE IS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED?
At the moment he is cleaning up the toyroom cuz my back is still messed up
DO YOU HAVE MONEY?
by most ppls standards yes but im down to earth and run around barefoot like i still live on a farm

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO?
Finding out if im having a girl or boy, im sooo hoping for another girl!

ARE YOU EXPECTING A PHONE CALL?
Nope….but ppl keep asking when I will be ‘up and about’ to go to things

DO YOU HAVE A SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD?
Your Winter by Sister Hazel

LYRICS FROM THAT SONG?

The grey ceiling on the earth, Well it’s lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they’re worth, I’ve been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?,It’s just a different point of view
DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE?
I have to be in the mood, otherwise I kick him off me (ya im mean sometimes)

Any Pets?

No, just the lizards and sand cranes all over the property….I joke they cant have a pet that we cant flush when it dies, until they can do everything themselves 100%

Jesse

Have lost 111 lbs so far, and a ways to go but I know once I get further along with this pregnancy it will be harder…..back still messed up but can walk a bit with help of a walker. Hoping be able get in the pool sooooon and stretch out but dont want to push too soon and take longer to heal. Reset mini goal to 260….. hoping to reach that by May 1st. I find I go to extremes, meaning when Im doing well and not binging or even overeating, I resrict myself too much. So trying to add more calories to my menu for today and tomorrow without going above the limits I set for myself. Eating healthy , becoming healthier, isnt just about eating less. Thought that for a long time, but it just isnt so…..hope everyone is having a great weekend.

been awhile since completly ‘threw my back out’ and im miserable to say the least….and being nauseated from pregnancy and having pee at least once per hour is such a BAAAD combo…but im not gonna wallow in pity and im trying move as much as I can although the pain made me black out last night….i cant take much because pregnant so trying do heat(hubby iced me down like my ass was gonna expire and it did nothing lol) …..eating lower cals cuz im not doing much and last time this happened I gave in to everyone offering me comfort food and gained weight…worst part is my lil girl doesnt understand and cried because i wont pick her up and looked at me with trembling lip like im ignoring her-she crawls into my bed and i can let her cuddle against me but not to olong cuz she is used to rough housing which we do every day  sighs  i hope this doesnt go 10 days before i can walk like last time…did manage get to bathroom with a walker and hubby help, cuz no way im using bedpan or DIAPERS like my friend jokingly suggested *smiles* but hey humor is good, except i laughed so hard at some things my back hurt worse.

Otherwise im doing well and have been keeping moods lifted with thoughts of our new lil one growing within me, and of my flower beds i been tending springing up with color….hoping hubby will water them for me while im down but didnt ask yet :)  Have great weekend everyone!

have 2 friends who had a falling out and though neither has asked me to pick sides I dont do well with these things because I dont even feel comfy giving them both advice about it…Im very blunt and said hey you fucked up, be accountable and your apology doesnt mean you can do it again, it means you will work hard to make sure it doesnt happen again….because to me, saying I’m sorry means just that-not forgive me so I can do it again. So the one comes over and we went out for an errand and to eat and then this morning the other one messages me and I know she is ‘testing the waters’…both know I am not friends with many females for this very reason, because I feel there is usually too much drama with it. So Im contemplating how to proceed and what to do with the 2 upcoming monthly things that we all attend. I refuse to pick sides, because it has nothing to do with me and Im just not that kind of person. But Im going to be quite pissed off if I feel pressure to do that….ok had to vent that here….reminder for myself mostly.

Doing great with my eating, even though feel like Im starving at times and i dont give in to it because I already ate, and then the nausea comes back full force…augh. I joked with my friend yesterday that I must have blocked out how much the first trimester sucks, so that I would get pregnant again lolol. I swear I blocked out how sick I feel and the peeing at least once per hour and all that-I dont mind the stomach cramping much, but the nausea is really getting me. I dont think I recall it being around the clock with my first as it is now. I threw up for a couple weeks, it passed, the end. At first I actually was worried as i DIDNT feel sick, but with soem research it seemed my body wouldnt react so much to the hormone surges because I was just drying up from lactating, so my body wasnt shocked by the hormones. So I was like okay that explains it….two days later woke up sick and felt that way every since. But ok its worth it and cant wait to feel my lil one bouncing around in there soon *smiles*

My 18 month old has picked up so many new words its crazy, and her potty training has been 100% the past week, only a few times peed overnight(when hubby gives her a drink right before bed of course)and I do still put her cloth diaper on for bedtime, just not naps. I am very proud of her though because I dont believe in forcing them and she just loves to grab my hand and say ‘hep me’ and goes to one of the bathrooms and stands in front of toilet and says ‘up..hep me maa’ Oh and I told her there is another baby in mommy belly now and she points or pokes my belly and says ‘babeee’ We already got a couple books about adding another child, childrens books that is, about being an older sibling. I really like one about a famiyl of hippos and the lil boy says how he doesnt like when his lil sister cries, and when mommy or daddy dont see what he is doing because tending to the lil baby, etc because it goes thru real feelings that a child will have, not just oh there is a new baby, be happy.  So even though we have quite a few months, I thought good idea to bring up now. I need to find local doctor who will let me try for VBAC.

Hope everyone is doing well oh and I have lost 2 lbs since last visit here, and plan to keep eating healthy and not give into my cravings toooo much but I figure once a week is fine Been making myself a ‘menu’ the night before again and it works soooo well for me

Have a great week everyone!