Depression and binge eating…
They go hand in hand for me….and this past week has been awful emotionally. Was my brothers birthday last sunday, he would have been 28. I do not have his pictures out, I simply cannot look at them. I keep one of my favorite ones in a drawer. Crazy how those dates…that a loved one died, their birthday, and of course holidays you spent together, just drain me(others as well i know). Usually, I binge eat. Until I am very sick. Unti the acid is so gross and tearing at me I hate myself. Depression has been tugging at me, and I am fighting it with everything I have….forcing myself to leave the house, forcing myself to just take my daughter outside to play in the sun, listen to music, try to enjoy life and see the good things. But depression doesnt care, that cold hollow feeling that claws at you in the darkest hours, days, weeks. It doesnt give a crap what you try to tell yourself.
BUT I have been writing down my menu. At least the day before but sometimes a few days at a time. Then when I go to the kitchen for MY food, I know what to have. It is there, tangible evidence of what I am supposed to follow, and I find this much easier. Not that there hasnt been some nights I have walked to the pantry, or fridge, and look….then tell myself NO…will just feel worse. Then direct myself to something else(yes I even made a short list for these things too) and I am finding it is actually working. I had a ‘mini binge’ one night…well about 3am. Woke from an awful dream that I wont go into, but I suffer overwhelming grief for my brother taking his own life. And my dreams degrade me, break me down, make me think death is a better option than the here and now. But I am proud of myself for many things, and this post is more to myself, to look back at one of those times and realize my child still needs me. My brothers two young children still need me. Push away the thoughts that no one will care when I am gone, and find something happy to focus on, even if just for this moment. I am still at 100 lbs down. Usually when I get close to 280 I binge up over 300 easily. Like I do not think I deserve to be anything but overweight and unhappy. I just realized it is a mental block, in fact debating on asking hubby to hide my scales for awhile…but I need to get thru it, and not knowing the number will make me just not eat I think….I used to binge then feel guilt and not eat anything for days, week at a time. Not healthy. Not everything is about a number. Ok done rambling.
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