Jesse

They go hand in hand for me….and this past week has been awful emotionally. Was my brothers birthday last sunday, he would have been 28. I do not have his pictures out, I simply cannot look at them. I keep one of my favorite ones in a drawer. Crazy how those dates…that a loved one died, their birthday, and of course holidays you spent together, just drain me(others as well i know). Usually, I binge eat. Until I am very sick. Unti the acid is so gross and tearing at me I hate myself. Depression has been tugging at me, and I am fighting it with everything I have….forcing myself to leave the house, forcing myself to just take my daughter outside to play in the sun, listen to music, try to enjoy life and see the good things. But depression doesnt care, that cold hollow feeling that claws at you in the darkest hours, days, weeks. It doesnt give a crap what you try to tell yourself.

BUT I have been writing down my menu. At least the day before but sometimes a few days at a time. Then when I go to the kitchen for MY food, I know what to have. It is there, tangible evidence of what I am supposed to follow, and I find this much easier. Not that there hasnt been some nights I have walked to the pantry, or fridge, and look….then tell myself NO…will just feel worse. Then direct myself to something else(yes I even made a short list for these things too) and I am finding it is actually working. I had a ‘mini binge’ one night…well about 3am. Woke from an awful dream that I wont go into, but I suffer overwhelming grief for my brother taking his own life. And my dreams degrade me, break me down, make me think death is a better option than the here and now. But I am proud of myself for many things, and this post is more to myself, to look back at one of those times and realize my child still needs me. My brothers two young children still need me. Push away the thoughts that no one will care when I am gone, and find something happy to focus on, even if just for this moment. I am still at 100 lbs down. Usually when I get close to 280 I binge up over 300 easily. Like I do not think I deserve to be anything but overweight and unhappy. I just realized it is a mental block, in fact debating on asking hubby to hide my scales for awhile…but I need to get thru it, and not knowing the number will make me just not eat I think….I used to binge then feel guilt and not eat anything for days, week at a time. Not healthy. Not everything is about a number. Ok done rambling.

it is so nice to go out to eat with friends, which i have been doing alot of since i been back and catching up with people, and not go over my calories. Not feel guiltly. Not feel like I have to “start tomorrow” or any of that crap. So I had done that, went out to eat…..and last night I wanted a sweet and hadnt had any so I cooked one of those lil personal warm delights cake where you add the lil water and topping nd cook for 3o seconds. Delicious, fresh and warm, and no guilt as its only 150 calories. Ok so note to self DO NOT forget how great that feels to eat such things and not wish it wasnt inside me!

Hope everyone else is doing well

So I have never joined a challenge and recently I figured since I was trying to get serious I would join…couldn’ t figure out how you actually “join” though and I messaged the lady that seemed to run it or however you say….not even a reply of well you are too late or another starts on whatever date. Ok. So won’t be trying that again as I do not take such things well….AT ALL…and even that is an understatement.

To be honest my life is quite odd overall compared to some people and in the past I didnt wish to share those things and not sure what amount I will share as this is for weight loss…..yes I think much of it effects my ups and downs and binge eating and other things involving eating and just my health overall.

Lately someone close to me has been there when I need to talk, ask opinions so that I am not overwhelmed trying to decide for myself, and so forth. I am passive on some area and controlling in other ones….I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder and depression has been crushing me…that cold and empty feeling and thoughts of death taunting me like some magical prize to end this madness, pain, and utter despair that grips me and leaves so many sleepless nights and many a time I would eat for hours until I am sick. Lately I am trying to stay out of the kitchen completly…although I clean up after lil one and hubby are sleeping, one final clean thru that sometimes takes more than an hour. And I ponder and mull over my choices to eat or not. Then as I put away the mop and such i tell myself do not return to this room until morning to make Q(daughter) breakfast.

So this person has been there for me, way more than hubby is, but also helping me learn to at least take pause when things happen, but also not beat myself up over mistakes so that I make it 10 times worse.  He has been in my life for well over a year but I always hid this issue, well rather my thoughts and internal struggles on it, and other areas such as cutting.Even my husband sees it and thinks I relate better to this person, and they have both spoken about me in that area I know although not much in front of me. It has been freeing to be so open and to have someone that cannot empathize from experience but still keeps my focused enough I do not feel so utterly alone and lost. I haven’t been eating as much as a doctor would reccomend, very very true. But I needed a big jump start to get that motivation….and lose what I gained most recently.

I am not sure what else this year holds, nor how I can ‘fix’ myself. Perhaps there is no such thing. I just know he has helped me and a few days ago I could literally feel the emptiness lift from my being and I took a deep breath and it sounds cliche but…..I came more to the here and now, the sun seemed so warm once again and the laughter of my lil one from the next room brought a real smile to my face. I went ina nd we played dress up and coloring and we have been having mroe fun . Just did some dancing around  with her(16 months) and I had the light bulb moment that yes I am still in my lowered state but nothing like I would be without the support of him, and everyone suffers not just  I….life is complicated and taboo here, yes…but support…acceptence,understanding, attention even….are human.

I have been doing awesome since the 7th when we got back home and I decided to get SERIOUS already..well last night went to a monthly gathering and everyoen is ordering plates playfully dubbed “heart attack plate” and otehr stuff(2 1/2 lb burgers smothered in..you get the idea) and I ordered special and waitress was very nice…i had two skewers of grilled shrimp and some green beans….my friend joked “that is TOOOO healthy for me shit” haha  AND this morning I see I am almost already back to weight I was when I returned from Europe….so less than 5 lbs to back to 100 pounds down….ah so much better than guilt and physically sick from binge eating crap…which btw isnt even always things i like!!! wtf???

hope your weekends are going great fellow buddies!!!!

I read that on a blog here not too long ago….and after my dreadful gain and days of binge eating and the depressing holidays, I have done very well the past two days….here it to today being day 3!  That is how i felt last night, when I thought of eating some sweets around 10pm….had it in my hand..then said NO i deserve to have good days, good mornings where I am excited to see the loss, not dread weighing in because I KNOW i gained. I am so determined this time…I lost 100 pounds before, and I have been going back and forth with the same 30 lbs for awhile….I was 384 when I started and at least I didnt wait until i approached those numbers to get a kick in the ass again!  

I gained so much weight the past month I cant even believe it…oh wait yes I can…I binge eat and depression is kicking my ass. Ok so here I go again, not giving up for good thats for sure. Got a wisp of motivation AND willpower today so that has to be a good sign right?

now no one that I looked forward to reading their posts, or that commented on mine for motivation, inspiration, etc, come here anymore    *sigh*   okay….mini rant over

anyone else have that sense of dread? and yes I know WHAT to do, and to portion, and plan ahead, etc etc…..it is that motivation that fails me, I do well for  a few days(when visit family out of state) and then I cave in and then get that ‘oh well i screwed up; mentality…I am determined but am still doubting myself….but hey we went out to dinner last night, complete with wine, dessert, full fat dinner…and I am same weight so yeaaa me (did about 2 hours of walking around as well)  ahh its beginning to look a lot like Christmas………  but we return home in 2 weeks, then home for 4 days before we head north for 4 weeks of visiting various family   G O T    T O    B E   S T R O N G *smiles*

so pretty happy overall as travel makes it hard…went to Amsterdam for a bit and each day I tried something new for ‘local cuisine’ including the Belgian fries that everyone walks around eating from ‘cones’ with tiny forks, the handmade ice cream that turns out has whipped cream at bottom and to of cone as well, and some other things…oh the dutch pancakes with filling and toppings were good but full of sugar….anyways I am back in North Wales and at weight i was before we left, in just a few days time by cutting way back so I feel back on track…not where I wanted to be at this date, but maintaining is MUCH better than gaining ………….and ESPECIALLY gaining and saying ”oh screw it I already gained, wait until the new year”  crap ………. leaving for Paris in a few days and hoping to kinda have same mindset, try things but don’t go overboard, don’t need a full order of anything to taste it right? 

Hope everyone is doing great!

on vacation for 2 months here….about halfway thru now and I am not losing that quickly right now but I am so happy I am not gaining either…slowly going down though and I am happy with that instead of beating myself up!  I am determined Never to see the 300’s again!!!!!!!!!!!!   Hope everyone else is sticking to their daily goals as well!